Thanksgiving week begins

So it's the beginning of Thanksgiving week! What a mix of feelings. *sigh* I started writing my 'notes' to all those that I think of as the holidays approach and they have recently lost loved ones in this past year. It is tough when I start seeing how many there are to write...alot. It reminds me of how big God's love and mercy must be to be able to cover ALL the pain in this world! He amazes me...what a wonderful God I serve! And yet my eyes can't help but fill with tears for so many as I try to imagine what it would be like to be celebrating my first Thanksgiving without my husband of 30 years--or my first Thanksgiving without my firstborn child--or without my fourth child, without my mom, etc. Some of it is easier to imagine for me than others. But it's all pain. And it breaks my heart for so many families who are missing their loved ones this year! I want so badly to bear their burdens with them! Lets all remember them in prayer! Praying that the Lord will surround these families with His most tender of mercies and love--and lift their hearts in the midst of their sorrow to see His beauty during this painful season.

I also pray that each of these families will do what is best for them this holiday. We did that last year. We had too. We had a celebration but on the actual days of the Holiday--we had those to ourselves to miss our sons. And I so needed that--and I truly believe Chuck did too. For me it was one of the greatest ways that helped me heal--not to be forced to put on a complete 'joy' face when I really could not. And of course as many know--if you cannot pull out that 'joy' face you will likely be told (by at least one well meaning Christian who is afraid to hurt) how 'wrong' it is that you are not 'rejoicing' in your sorrows. I couldn't deal with the 'joy' face or the lectures. And I got plenty--even from family as so many seem to think it's helpful and that one can just 'snap' out of sorrow. It sure does not work that way--and it is my memory of that which helps me to remember these families in prayer.

My Thanksgiving WILL be better this year. I know it will. But I have cried myself to sleep the last three nights in a row. (I'm guessing it was NOT helpful that I saw a note on a friends site that was titled "The 20 greatest things about having twins!" LOL) Even crying myself to sleep each night is better than how I felt last year as it approached. So I am thankful already that this week is going better. But I am weary of crying myself to sleep--for it is so lonely. It's so lonely to be up at 3 am sobbing silently and wishing that your children were alive. But it's a lonely journey--one that reminds me constantly of what I really need. And that is ONLY my Lord and Savior and His sacrifice--His love. And I have that--therefore I am filled--and the morning comes once more. That familiar morning--the one where I wake up desiring more than just about anything to hear the laughter of Isaac and Isaiah. Some mornings it makes me smile--for it is bittersweet to even desire such a thing. For if my sons had not lived I would not want to hear their laughter. But I am thankful for it...for it is often the only proof I have left that my sons were really here. The only tangible proof to me some days--my mornings. I think I like those very painful and bittersweet mornings. Or at least they have become familiar enough to be okay with it. Sometimes I just can't believe how much it is possible to miss them. Death is so final. So very final on this earth. Missing my sweet boys today.

plans--ugh!

How in the world are we going to fit two rear facing seats in our van? These are the things I think of when I'm 'dreaming' of this baby coming home. These are the things that terrify me--because I remember doing that with Isaac and Isaiah...SO much preparation for twins! So much that never happened. We even had it planned how I was going to grocery shop with all four kids and my mom--and all of us fitting into our van...and their room and everything. We had so much planned--because we had to in order to prepare as I was already on bed rest. The Lord made it that way--that we HAD to make plans in a sense. My DR told me to get on it already--as I was going to be on bedrest. And we did. We even bought a van. For the four kids that I *still* don't have. I don't get it at all sometimes. It's sad to remember that. It still shocks me sometimes that I already had four children. And yet I sit here with technically four kids...but will there really be four? Almost two years ago I had four. And now I have 3...and one on the way. It scares me to think that 10 years from now I will be looking back again to when I had four kids. And still only have 3. (unless something drastic happens to one of my other LC--Lord forbid!) It also hit me that for me this feels like our 6th child. I hate feeling that way because it so discounts my earlier losses. And I love each of them. But getting to know Isaac and Isaiah as I did--they really felt as real as Caleb and Josh. And my earlier losses felt real--but I did not know them as I WISH I did. So I have a tendency to think of this baby as our sixth child--even though it's wrong. Because as any passerby on the street could tell you--obviously if this child lives--she is our fourth. And that hurts so much I can't even explain it. And I'm getting SO very close to where I was when I lost them.. just a couple more weeks. *sigh* And the holidays next week. I'm not anywhere near as bad as I was last year--but the dread has definitely set in. I have no idea how it's going to go.

With Lydia I tried to not make ANY plans--and I'm trying to follow suit with this baby. Until I start thinking of things--like I recently heard it's safer to keep a child rear facing until they are 2.5. I had assumed Lydia would be forward facing when this baby comes (she'll be 16 mths) as my boys both were at a year old. But if it's not as safe to do that--then she will be in a huge, aisle blocking rear facing seat--as will the new baby. Assuming there 'is' a 'new' baby at that time. So, um, how is anyone going to get into the van? The rear seats do NOT fit (and certainly NOT easy to do!!!) in the back seat of our van. We tried this with Lydia's baby seat--and even moving all the seats around (the back seat as far back as it would go and the middle seats as far up as they would go) her seat still did not fit--anywhere but the middle seat of the back row--and then it was blocking getting into the seats around it. Nope-with a fourth c section--it would not work to have ANY baby seat in the back seat of the van. And big surprise: THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD EVER BUY A BIGGER VEHICLE BECAUSE OF THIS BABY> EVER!!!! NOT IN A MILLION YEARS AND EVEN IF SOMEONE PAID ME A MILLION DOLLARS. NO WAY! But I'm going to stop thinking of it now--because I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE making plans! ANY PLANS! UGH!! (hmm..I don't think I said hate enough: HATE HATE HATE HATE. That's better!) The more plans I make the more I get crushed. The more dreams I have--the more to take away. That is how it feels--well that is what happens. I know it's not all a sorrow filled journey--as I've seen many sides of this so far. But it can easily 'feel' that way. I hate days that I wonder...is this baby who I'm already calling by name--REALLY going to live? And come home with me? Some days it just seems nearly impossible. Almost completely impossible!! And they say giving birth isn't a miracle. Hmm.

A name

I'm so excited that we actually have a named picked for this sweet little girl! NO we aren't sharing--at least not yet (still figuring out a middle name that suits!) but it's just so exciting to have her name. I can tell you it is NOT Salome... or Shamgara as Chuck suggested ;-) I thought it was very cool that this name came to me in much the same way that Lydia's name came to me-- I had not considered this name at all (just like with Lydia--not a name I'd ever considered before) and then this baby kicked and I thought of this name--exactly what happened with Lydia! And then I shared it with someone else close to me--and the funny thing is: they had thought of the exact same name on the same night that I thought of it! So fun! (but I'm not going to tell them that we are choosing that particular name after all--well unless they read my blog and see this--then I guess I'm in trouble! lol At least if it got out I'd know who to blame then! :-D ) I love it when things happen like that--it's really beautiful I think. It is such a reflection on the awesome providence of God. (but no, I'm not going to call it a 'miracle' ha ha ha!) Anyways, I am content that we have her first name--and surprised at how quickly it came. It feels pretty special every time we name one of our little ones. Very special indeed! I still can't believe she's a girl! :-)

Psalm 66~ Make a joyful shout to God, all the earth! Sing out the honor of His name; Make His praise glorious. Say to God, "How awesome are Your works! Through the greatness of Your power Your enemies shall submit themselves to You. All the earth shall worship You And sing praises to You; They shall sing praises to Your name." Selah Come and see the works of God; He is awesome in His doing toward the sons of men. He turned the sea into dry land; They went through the river on foot. There we will rejoice in Him. He rules by His power forever; His eyes observe the nations; Do not let the rebellious exalt themselves. Selah Oh, bless our God, you peoples! And make the voice of His praise to be heard, Who keeps our soul among the living, And does not allow our feet to be moved. For You, O God, have tested us; You have refined us as silver is refined. You brought us into the net; You laid affliction on our backs. You have caused men to ride over our heads; We went through fire and through water; But You brought us out to rich fulfillment. I will go into Your house with burnt offerings; I will pay You my vows, Which my lips have uttered And my mouth has spoken when I was in trouble. I will offer You burnt sacrifices of fat animals, With the sweet aroma of rams; I will offer bulls with goats. Selah Come and hear, all you who fear God, And I will declare what He has done for my soul. I cried to Him with my mouth, And He was extolled with my tongue. If I regard iniquity in my heart, The Lord will not hear. But certainly God has heard me; He has attended to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be God, Who has not turned away my prayer, Nor His mercy from me!

Sometimes my heart is heavy. I love the psalms!

Miracles

I heard someone say recently that people throw the word "miracle" around alot. I agree this happens--I've caught myself doing that as well as others. But what is a miracle? I think there are big miracles--such as the parting of the red sea! And there are smaller miracles too. Such as giving birth to a healthy baby. And I'm sorry but for me--that IS a miracle. For me it is minimizing to the great beauty of life to say that 'giving birth' is not a miracle. It sure feels like one. YOU watch YOUR baby after baby die and tell me it is not a miracle to give birth to a child! One that is alive! And that was the comment--that people over use the word 'miracle' in the way of saying that giving birth is a miracle. I disagree. Giving birth IS a miracle. It may not be as big a miracle as other miracles--and it's not. But I believe that even if birth falls into the 'natural' order of things--it's still a miracle. Who's imprint is on life? Who SET the 'natural' order of things?!?! DIVINE INTERVENTION. And it's not like that suddenly doesn't count because we have 'nature' that seemingly follows a 'natural' pattern. At least in my opinion it is still GOD in control of every single life brought forth. And that is pretty Divine in my opinion!! It may not seem a miracle to many who give birth and take it for granted. But it is for me and many others...and it's very minimizing to the great suffering that comes for those who are not able to give birth. It crushed me to hear that last night--that giving birth is not a miracle. Watch 9 of your babies die--hold some of their little bodies in your hands first. Then tell me it is not a miracle to give birth to a living child--and how much MORE a miracle to give birth to a living, HEALTHY child?! UGH. Sometimes I just don't fit in to the world around me...I just don't. Sometimes I am simply tired of people--their ideas--and the whole social scene altogether. I don't expect the world to see everything as I do--but it's painful when such things such as that are brought up and thrown out without a second thought. So easily forgotten by those who say them...but not easily forgotten by those waiting to see if their tiny miracle is going to happen. It IS supernatural in my opinion--as I believe GOD places life in the womb--not man. I believe that God is ACTIVELY intervening in my life when I get pregnant. Why? Because I not only struggled for years with infertility (where nothing I tried mattered! God surely was in control!) and then loss after loss...and when I tried to prevent pregnancy He then made life in my womb that lived! He has showed me over and over how He is actively intervening in my life. And I guess you would be hard pressed to find anyone who has suffered infertility or numerous losses who would probably see it much differently from me...so maybe it is just personal experience that makes me feel so strongly about it. I thought it interesting that one person said that the act of a soul entering a body is a miracle--so how then can a child NOT be a miracle if the soul in itself IS a miracle?! Maybe they could have used a MUCH better example than calling one of the biggest blessings in life not a miracle! So No, I cannot forget such comments for it hits far too close to home. And every baby is a miracle--whether they like it or not. I've learned that the HARD way.

a few pics

I didn't get to take my 'halfway' pic yesterday so I did it today :-) I'm huge! lol but not so bad as I was (I was bigger or at least felt that way...now I'm 'growing into' the baby! lol I haven't even had a back ache in a couple days! But tired..>YES! (-; ) We are still in shock over here that we are having a girl! Seems unreal--reminds me alot of when we heard Lydia was a girl--I kept feeling it was surreal! But it's fun too :-) Joshy is starting to warm up to the idea as well--Caleb is thrilled either way! He's so loving and loves babies--so he doesn't really care. Joshy though keeps saying that he is going to have his own boy baby then (he's never been ga ga over Lydia either..so maybe he just wants another brother? lol) It's been an interesting couple days. So here I am...five months pregnant. Wow! I keep feeling so thankful that my baby is alive...I can't even think on it long or I will cry for sure! The Lord is so good!

Some love for the baby:
Joshy giving his new sister a hug...well on the outside! He wouldn't have done that yesterday that is for sure! lol
Me and baby girl--five months!